Humor

Twin Peaks Humor and Memorable Quotes!

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Pilot	Episode 5	Episode 10	Episode 15	Episode 20	Episode 25
Episode 1	Episode 6	Episode 11	Episode 16	Episode 21	Episode 26
Episode 2	Episode 7	Episode 12	Episode 17	Episode 22	Episode 27
Episode 3	Episode 8	Episode 13	Episode 18	Episode 23	Episode 28
Episode 4	Episode 9	Episode 14	Episode 19	Episode 25	Episode 29

Pilot Episode:

Sherriff Truman: "Is this going to happen every damn time?" to Andy, who is crying over finding Laura's body

Cooper: "I'm meeting a Sherriff Harry S. Truman. Shouldn't be too hard to remember that." --to Diane

Cooper, on hotels: "I'm sure the Sheriff will be able to recommend a clean place, reasonably priced. That's what I need-- a clean place, reasonably priced."

Cooper: "Diane, I'm holding in my hand a box of small chocolate bunnies."

Cooper: "Who's the lady with the log?"

Truman: "We call her the Log Lady."

Cooper: "You know why I'm whittling?"

Truman: "I give up. Why are you whittling?"

Cooper: "Because thats what you do in a town where a yellow light means slow down, not speed up."

Episode 1:

Cooper: "Diane, it struck me again earlier this morning, there are two things that continue to trouble me, and I'm speaking now not only as an agent of the Bureau but as a human being. What really went on between Marilyn Monroe and the Kennedys, and who really pulled the trigger on JFK?"

Cooper: "You know, excuse me, this is a damn fine cup of coffee." --his infamous quote for this first time

Cooper, ordering breakfast: "Now, I'd like two eggs over hard, I know, don't tell me, its hard on the arteries, but old habits die hard, almost as hard as I want those eggs. Bacon, super crispy, almost burnt, cremated."

Pete: "Cooper, how do you take your coffee?"

Cooper: "Black as midnight on a moonless night."

Pete: "Pretty black."

Pete: "Fellahs, don't drink that coffee! You'd never guess. . .there was a fish. . .in the percolator!"

Catherine: "Didn't he want to talk to me?"

Pete: "Yeah, but we told him you were on your world tour, he should contact your press agent."

Cooper: "Log Lady. Can I ask her about her log?"

Truman: "Many have."

Episode 2:

Jerry Horne: "I need two drinks. I would like a double scotch on the rocks, and my brother Ben would like a double scotch on the rocks."

Bartender: "That's two double scotches on the rocks?"

Jerry: "Next stop, rocket science."

Cooper: "Damn good coffee! And hot!" --spitting out coffee

Cooper: "I have to warn you. Albert's lacking in social niceties." -- with the understatement of the year.

Albert: "Cooper, what kind of two-bit operation they running out of this treehouse? I have seen some slipshot backwater burgs before, but this place takes the cake." -- on entering the TP Sheriff's station

Truman: "I hear you're real good at what you do. That's good, 'cause if anyone ever comes into my station talking crap like that, they'd be looking for their teeth two blocks up on Queer Street." -- to Albert

Episode 3:

Cooper: "Short stack of griddle cakes, melted butter, maple syrup, slightly heated, slice of ham. Nothing beats the taste sensation when maple syrup collides with ham!" -- ordering breakfast

Albert: "Doctor, I have travelled thousands of miles and apparently several centuries to this sinkhole to perform a series of tests. Now I do not ask you to understand these tests; I am not a cruel man." --to Doc Hayward

Albert: "Mr. Horne, I realize that your position in this fair community pretty well guarantees the banality and sincerity, and, uh, rather irritating method of expressing yourself. . .stupidity, however, is not necessarily an inherent trait."

Albert: "I've got a lot of cutting and pasting to do, gentlemen" (as he prepares to slice open Laura's head) "so please, why don't you return to your porch rockers and resume whittling."

Albert: "Please, Cooper, I do not suffer fools gladly and fools with badges never. I want no interference from this hulking boob whatsoever." -- about Truman

Albert: "Oh, yeah? Well I've had about enough of morons and half-wits, dolts, dunces, dullards and dumbells. And you, you chowder-head yokel, you blithering hayseed, you've had enough of me?"

Albert: "The old rustic sucker punch, eh? A hail of bullets would be nice!" --on Truman's punch

Albert: "He hit me!"

Cooper: "Well, I'm sure he meant to do that."

Mr. Moony: "You're a hell of a girl, Norma. You must get a lot of Romeos in here, begging for favors. How do you keep them from your door?"

Norma: "I ususally tell them I have a homicidaly jealous husband, who's doing 3 to 5 for manslaughter, but expects to be a productive member of society real soon."

Albert: "Look, its trying to think." -- about Truman

Albert: "Local facilities give new meaning to the word 'primitive.'"

Albert: "Sounds like you've been snacking on some of the local mushrooms." -- to Cooper

Cooper: "This must be where pies go when they die."

Episode 4:

Cooper: "In the grand design women were drawn from a different set of blueprints."

Hawk: "One woman can make you fly like an eagle, another can give you the strength of a lion. But only one in the cycle of life can fill your heart with wonder, and the wisdom that you have known a singular joy."

Cooper: "Gentlemen, when two separate events occur simultaneously pertaining to the same object of inquiry, we must always pay strict attention."

Episode 5:

Cooper: "Diane, its 4:28 am. I have just been woken up by the most God awful racket which you can probably hear over the sound of my voice. Can you hear that? Up until this moment I have experienced nothing at the Great Northern but the most pleasant, courteous service imaginable. However it just goes to prove the point that once the traveller leaves his home he loses almost 100% of his ability to control his environment."

Jerry: "I'm in love. Her name is Heba. She's a giant snow queen with a smile like a sunrise on an iceberg. You could go blind looking at this girl. Look at this. You see what she gave me? A whole leg of lamb."

Cooper: "There's a large group of in-sane men staying on my floor." --about the Icelandics

Jerry, to Heba: "Do you know the incredible potential that could result of our taking a dip in each other's respective gene pools?"

Jerry: "Heba! I want. . .to cook for you."

Pete, to an Icelandic: "Now let me get this straight. Your entire country is above the timber line?"

Log Lady: "Shut your eyes and you'll burst into flames."

Truman: "Thanks, Margaret."

Episode 6:

Cooper: "Secrets are dangerous things, Audrey."

Cooper: "Harry, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. Every day, once a day, give yourself a present. Don't plan it, don't wait for it, just. . .let it happen. Could be a new shirt at the men's store, could be a catnap in your office chair, or two cups of good, hot, black coffee, like this."

Cooper: "Nothing like a great cup of black coffee."

Pete: "Just got that baby back from Tim and Tom's Taxidermy. When I caught him, he was this big. But, I guess by the time they take the innards out, and put the stuffing in, it loses something in the translation." Pete, on his fish trophy

Blackie: "Fred, what's your line?"

Big Ed: "Own a gas station. . .uh, I'm an oral surgeon."

Blackie: "Really? I've got a Chevy parked out back with a serious root canal problem. Wanna take a look?"

Big Ed: "Well, I was hoping you might need a little gum work, 'cause I'd sure like to get a look under your hood."

Jerry, on the Icelandics: "You should've seen them on the tour of the sites. The trees, Ben. . .they worship them! I caught a couple of them hugging pines."

Episode 7:

Cooper: "Diane, as you can tell from the ambient sound around me, and I notice with some relief, the group of Icelandics staying on my floor have either checked or passed out."

Cooper: "24-hour room service must be one of the premiere achievements of the 20th century."

Episode 8:

Cooper, on getting shot: "If you can imagine the impact of three bowling balls dropped onto your chest from a height of about 9 feet you might begin to approximate the sensation."

Cooper: "All things considered, being shot is not as bad as I thought it might be, as long as you can keep the fear from your mind. But I guess you can say that about most things in life-- its not so bad if you can keep the fear from your mind." --to Diane

Cooper: "At a time like this, curiously, you begin to think of the things you regret or the things you might miss. I would like in general to treat people with more care and respect. I would like to climb a tall hill, not too tall, sit in the cool grass, not too cool, and feel the sun on my face. I wish I could've cracked the Lindberg kidnapping case. I would very much like to make love to a beautiful woman whom I had genuine affection for. And, of course, it goes without saying I would like to visit Tibet. I wish they could get their country back and that the Dalai Lama could return. Oh, I would like that very much."

Truman: "Lucy, maybe you better bring Agent Cooper up to date."

Lucy: "Leo Johnson was shot, Jacques Renault was strangled, the mill burned, Shelley and Pete have smoke inhalation, Catherine and Josie are missing, Nadine is in a coma from taking sleeping pills."

Cooper: "How long have I been out?"

Doc Hayward: "Its 7:45 in the morning. We haven't had this much action in one night since the Elk's Club fire of '59."

Cooper: "Doc, when the will is invoked, the recuperative powers of the physical body are simply extraordinary. . . just give me a couple of hours to get dressed."

Andy: "It's Agent Rosenflower!" -- on Rosenfield

Albert: "And its another great moment in law enforcement history!" -- about Andy hitting himself in the head

Cooper:"Albert, where did this attitude of general unpleasantness come from?"

Albert: "I'll have to get back to you on that."

Cooper: "Well, if you don't want two black eyes on a regular basis I suggest you make some kind of peace with rural life."

Albert: "Great. Maybe after the square dance we can all take a hay ride."

Albert: "Where do they keep his water dish?" -- on Andy

Cooper: "Good work, Andy."

Albert: "Yeah. Woof."

James: "When did you start smokin'?"

Donna: "I smoke every once in a while. It relieves tension."

James: "When did you get so tense?"

Donna:"When I started smokin'."

Cooper: "Bobby Briggs. What's he doing here?"

Truman: "Doesn't look sick."

Albert: "Sheriff Truman, to see this kind of investigative genius at work is just a real treat for me." --on Bobby at the hospital

Albert: "I know, Andy, I know I know I know. Its what we call a real three-hanky crime." --on Andy's crying

Pete: "This smoke inhalation is nasty business. I feel like somebody taped my lips to the tailpipe of a bus."

Cooper: "Diane, its 11:55 pm, approximately 19 hours after the shooting that almost cost me to make a pre-mature purchase of the proverbial farm."

Episode 9:

Albert: "Color me amazed."

Albert: "I performed the autopsy on Jacques Renault. Stomach contents revealed, let's see: beer cans, a Maryland license plate, half a bicycle tire, a goat, and a small wooden puppet. Goes by the name of Pinnochio."

Cooper: "You're making a joke!"

Albert: "I like to think of myself as one of the 'Happy Generation.'"

Major Briggs: "Achievement is its own reward. Pride obscures it."

Log Lady: "My log has something to tell you. Do you know it?"

Major Briggs: "I don't believe we've been introduced."

Log Lady: "I do not introduce The Log."

Andy: "The Tacoma sperm bank was looking for donors, and naturally I applied. It's my civic duty and I like whales."

Andy: "I'm sterile. Sure I thought it meant I didn't have to take a bath but the doctors told me the truth."

Episode 10:

Albert, on Ronette waking up: "Maybe she heard a Sousa march and got up to look for her baton."

Truman: "You were visited by a Giant?"

Albert: "Any relation to the Dwarf?"

Albert: "And you gave him the beans you were supposed to use to buy a cow?"

Cooper: "No, Albert, I gave him my ring."

Albert: "Ok, sorry, I was confining my conclusions to the planet Earth." -- on Cooper's Giant

Truman: "Anything we should be working on?"
Albert: "Yeah. You might try walking without dragging your knuckles on the floor."

Albert: "Now you listen to me. While I will admit to a certain cynicism the fact is I'm a naysayer and a hatchetman in the fight against violence. I pride myself on taking a punch and I'll gladly take another because I choose to live my life in the company of Gandhi and King. I reject absolutely revenge, aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such a method. . . is love. I love you, Sheriff Truman."

Cooper: "Albert's path is a strange and difficult one." --on the above quote

Dick :"I lost your number."

Lucy: "I work for the Sheriff. You could've dialed 911!"

Episode 11:

Judge Sterwood: "How do you find our little corner of this world?"

Cooper: "Heaven, sir."

Judge: "Well, this week heaven includes arson, multiple homicides and and attempt on the life of a federal agent."

Cooper: "Heaven is a large and interesting place, sir."

Episode 12:

Cooper: "Diane, it's 6:42 am. Rough sleep. I dreamed I was eating a large, tasteless gumdrop. I awoke to realize I was aggressively munching on one of my Ear Pillow silicone ear plugs, hence the tastelessness. Perhaps I should keep a closer eye on my after dinner coffee consumption."

Cooper: "The pain retracts to a cul-de-sac in a distant suburb of my conscious mind."

Cooper, on his morning yoga: "Diane, I am now upside-down."

Hawk: "Two retired female schoolteachers live in that house next to the Palmer's. They have no memory of a gray-haired man. I had to drink two pots of chamomile tea to find that out."

Donna: "There's things you can't get in books."

Harold: "There are things you can't get anywhere. But we dream they can be found in other people."

Andy, on his sperm count: "I'm a whole damn town!"

Episode 13:

Gordon: "Federal Bureau of Investigation Regional Bureau Chief Gordon Cole. That's a real mouthful but I can't hear myself anyway."

Truman: "A coat with Vicuna?"

Gordon: "Sounds real good, Sheriff, but I already ate."

Nadine: "Pretend its ours? Like we're married or something?"
Big Ed: "Well, we can do that."

Gordon: "Cooper, you remind me today of a small Mexican chi-wow-wow."

Episode 14:

Norma: "There must have been a crack in the glass from before!"
Big Ed: "Don't count on it." --on Nadine shattering a glass with her bare hands

Episode 15:

Gwen, to Hawk: "Oh, you must be that native person I've heard so much about. . .Uh, Eagle Eye. . ?"

Gwen, to Hawk: "God, how you must hate us white people after all we've done to you."

Cooper, on Philip Gerard: "In another time, another culture, he may have been a seer, a shaman priest. In our world, he's a shoe salesman who lives among the shadows."

Jerry: "Ben, as your attorney, your friend, and your brother, I strongly suggest. . . that you get yourself a better lawyer."

Jerry, on the OAM: "Sheriff, no offense, but this man's stairs clearly don't reach the attic."

Jerry: "Sheriff, your 24 hours are up. Now you either charge my client or let him go."
Truman: " Ben Horne, I charge you with the murder of Laura Palmer."
Ben: "Good move, Jerry."

Truman: "Cooper, I have backed you every step of the way. But I've had enough of the mumbo-jumbo: the dreams, the visions, the dwarves, the giants, Tibet, and all the rest of the hocus pocus."

Episode 16:

Ben on Jerry: "My brother, the boy genius."

Ben: "Would you like us to hum? A Tibetan chant, perhaps?" --on Cooper's magic

Major Briggs: "There is more on heaven and Earth than is dreamt of in our philosophy." (which is actually Shakespeare)

Episode 17 :

Andy: "I come from a large family, and mama aways said she coudn't have fussin' an' fightin' when she had a bun in the oven."

Ben, on Bobby: "Samantha! I need a fly swatter, there's a bug in my office!"

Audrey: "How about an ice cream?"

Bobby: "Cup or cone?"

Audrey: "Mmm, cone. I ike to lick."

Cooper: "There's nothing quite like urinating in the open air."

Episode 18:

Hawk: "Dougie's weddings are a seasonal thing. . .like the return of the salmon."

Nadine: "He has the cutest buns!" -- on Mike

S.A. Bryson: "Well, my recent experience has taught me never to judge too quickly."

S.A. Bryson: "I understand we're both staying at the Great Northern. How's the food up there?"

Cooper: "Denise, you're in for a real surprise."

Truman: "So are they."

Hawk, on Dennis/Denise: "That's a good color for him."

Norma: "How was your hunting expedition? Catch anything?"

Ernie: "I hope not."

Ben: "You promised to kill Catherine in the mill fire. She's alive. And, as you might imagine, not a happy camper. Through trickery, extortion, she has managed to cheat me out of both- both!- Ghostwoods and the mill. Then there's the small matter of being arrested for the murder of Laura Palmer. A real business enhancer. On top of which, my trusted solicitor, the late Leland Palmer, turns out to be a homicidal lunatic."

Hank: "Tough week, Ben."

Cooper: "Diane, when I've got a moment, remind me to tell you about Agent Bryson."

Cooper: "Can you help me?"

Bryson: "Well, that gets into a very delicate area. On the other hand, I'm trying very hard recently to get more in touch with my feelings."

Mayor Milford: "I've been married to the same woman for half a century. Thats because I use my brain for thinking and not my garden hose."

Episode 19 :

Andy, reading the Kama Sutra: "Once stimulated, the female will respond in such a way that the skin around her-- oh my god!"

Lana's curse: "It all began in high school. Prom night. My date went to kiss me. It was his first day with his new braces. And they gleamed in the moonlight. And then his rubber bands snapped, and his jaw locked up and we ended up in the ER. The doctor's had to break his jaw and re-place it to get it to shut. And its just gotten worse ever since."

Coach Wingate: "There's a story about a great football caoach, whose name escapes me at this time, but. . .who was dead set against having any black players on his team. Until somebody brought him the first black half-back anyone had ever seen. And when whats-his-name saw him run 50 yards and nobody laid a hand on him, he shouted, 'look at that Indian go!'" -- on letting Nadine on the wrestling team

Audrey: "They have women agents?"

Bryson: "More or less."

Bryson: "Now can we talk about something more important? Exactly how old is that girl?"

Cooper: "Denise, I would assume you were no longer interested in girls."

Bryson: "I may be wearing a dress, Coop, but I still put my panties on one leg at a time, if you know what I mean."

Cooper: "Not really."

Doc Hayward: "Dougie died of natural causes-- a heart attack."

Mayor Milford: "Did you check him for witchcraft?"

Doc: "Thats not the kind of thing that shows up in an autopsy."

Episode 20:

Bobby: "I have some good news and I got some bad news. The bad news is that your old man just bought a condo in .The good news is that he's about to win the Civil War."

Episode 21:

Ed: "Nadine wants to date. I don't know what to tell her."

Doc Hayward: "Is she sexually active?"

Ed: "Active? Doc, I wake up every morning feeling like I've been hit by a timber truck. She's libel to kill a young kid."

Dr. Jacoby: "Gentlemen, I have just spent almost the last 24 hours with this charming young lady, and as you can seem I have no bruises, no broken bones. Any claims by her deceased husband's brother that she's cursed or somehow responsible for his death, is nonsense. Now what she does possess is a heightened sexual drive, and a working knowledge of technique, anatomy, and touch that few men have had the pleasure of experiencing."

Truman: "Is it hot in here?"

Cooper and Hawk: "Yeah."

Doc Hayward: "Dick, I did not drop you on your head when I delivered you, don't give me cause to regret that."

Episode 22:

Albert: "Oh, Coop, about the uniform."

Cooper: "Yes, Albert?"

Albert: "Replacing the casual elegance of the dark suit and tie with the casual indifference of these muted earth tones. . .its a form of fashion suicide. But call me crazy-- on you it works."

Albert: "Our sheriff's got a serious problem with his girlfriend." --on Josie being wanted for murder

Episode 23:

Andrew: "She seemed surprised." --on Josie fainting

Ben: "The pine weasel. Found only in our tri-count area, and nearly extinct."

Jerry: "Incredible roasted."

Episode 24 :

Nadine: "I think I've gone blind in my left eye!"

Episode 25:

Cooper's hangover cure: "You take a glass of nearly frozen, unstrained tomato juice, you plop a couple of raw oysters in there, you drink it down. Breath in deeply. Next you take a mound, and I mean a mound, of sweet breads, saute them with some chestnuts and some Candian bacon. Finally, biscuits. Big biscuits. Smothered in gravy. Now here's where it gets tricky. You're gonna need some anchovies. . ."

Cooper: "Gordon, there are some curious linkages here."

Gordon: "The word linkage reminds me of sausages. Never cared much for the links, preferred the patties. But breakfast is a real good idea!"

Gordon's hangover cure: "Raw meat. And plenty of it. You break an egg on it. Add in some salted anchovies, tabasco and worcestershire sauce. . ."

Gordon: "You know what I'm in the mood for? A steak so rare you could sell it at Tiffany's."

Gordon, on Shelley: "What a beauty! Kind of reminds me of that statue, the babe without the arms."

Cooper: "Venus de Milo."

Gordon: "The name was Milo, but thats besides the point. Thats the kind of girl that makes you wish you spoke a little French."

Gordon: "Hello! I was wondering if I could trouble you for a cup of strong black coffee, and in the process engage you in an anecdote of no small amusement."

Shelley: "Would you like some pie?"

Gordon: "Massive, massive quantities, and a glass of water, sweetheart-- my socks are on fire!"

Cooper's joke: "Two penguins are walking across an iceberg. 1 penguin turns to the other penguin and says, 'you look like you're wearing a tuxedo.' And the second penguin says, 'maybe I am.'"

Truman: "How long you been in love with her?"

Cooper: "Harry, who said anything about love?"

Truman: "Coop, you just tried to tell her a joke."

Shelley: "You want a whole pie?"

Gordon: "Yes, I would, Ms. Johnson, and a piece of paper and a pencil. I plan on writing an epic poem about this gorgeous pie."

Episode 26:

Cooper: "When I talk to you, I get a tingly sensation in my toes and in my stomach."

Ben: "Sometimes, the urge to do bad. . . is nearly overpowering."

Mike: "Do you have any idea what the combination of sexual maturity and superhuman strength can result in?"

Gordon: "This world of Twin Peaks seems to be filled with beautiful women! Although only one I can hear."

Gordon: "You a witnessing a front, three-quarter view of two adults sharing a tender moment! Acts like he's never seen a kiss before. Take another look, sonny, its gonna happen again!"

Lucy: "Why don't we just skip the wine and have a banana split?" -- on hearing the wine has chocolate and banana in it

Episode 27:

Andy, on saving the planet: "Styrofoam never dies, for as long as you live!"

Cooper, on love: "Well, my symptoms suggest the onset of malaria."

Episode 28:

Andy, on the petroglyph: "Could the 4-H club have anything to do with this?"

Bobby, on Earle's 'Log Lady': "So what, did ya bring your whole family?"

Major Briggs Haloperidol-induced lines: "Which way to the castle?" and "The King of Romania was unable to attend."

Episode 29:

No funny lines in this episode. Just the awful, awful, brilliant, awful ending.